Overcoming Past Trauma: Understanding ACEs, Building Resilience, and Getting Unstuck

“Your past may influence your life, but it does not have to define your future.”

Sometimes the past does not stay in the past.

It may show up in the way you react to criticism. The way you struggle to trust. The way you pull away when someone gets close, or hold on tightly because being left feels unbearable.

You may wonder:

Why am I so angry? Why do I feel unworthy? Why can’t I concentrate? Why do I keep making choices that hurt me? Why do I turn to alcohol, drugs, food, work, or social media when I feel overwhelmed?

These questions can feel like quicksand pulling you under. But understanding your patterns can be the first step toward changing them.

Your past may influence your life. It does not have to define your future.

What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

Adverse Childhood Experiences, commonly called ACEs, are stressful or traumatic events that happen during childhood. They can disrupt a child’s experience of safe, stable, nurturing relationships.

ACEs may include:

• Abuse, including emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

• Emotional or physical neglect

• Witnessing domestic violence

• Living with a caregiver who misuses alcohol or drugs

• Living with a caregiver experiencing serious mental health challenges

• Parental separation or divorce

• Having a household member incarcerated

• Growing up with ongoing instability, fear, or a lack of basic needs

According to the American Psychiatric Association Foundation, approximately 2 out of 3 children experience one or more traumatic events before turning 16.

That number is sobering. It also tells us something important:

You are not alone.

An ACE score tallies different types of adversity. It is not a diagnosis, a prediction, or a measure of your worth. Two people can experience similar events and respond differently. One person may have many protective relationships and resources. Another may face ongoing stress without support.

The number matters less than the question it opens:

What happened, how did it affect you, and what support might help now?

Trauma Is Not a Character Flaw

When a child grows up feeling unsafe, their mind and body may adapt for survival.

They may become watchful. Quiet. Angry. Defiant. Numb. Perfectionistic. Distrustful. They may learn to please everyone in the room because conflict once felt dangerous.

Those responses may have helped them cope at the time. But years later, the same responses can create challenges in relationships, school, employment, and everyday life.

You may be an adult who has never connected your present struggles with earlier experiences. You may think:

Why do I shut down when someone raises their voice? Why do I rebel against authority, even when the request is reasonable? Why do I feel depressed or deeply unworthy? Why is it so hard to make decisions?

These questions deserve compassion, not condemnation.

Trauma can be associated with depression, anxiety, shame, difficulty regulating emotions, relationship struggles, substance use, attention challenges, and difficulty feeling safe. But not every challenge is caused by trauma, and experiencing an ACE does not mean you will develop a mental health condition.

Patterns are information. They are not proof that something is wrong with you.

I have facilitated trauma education webinars for Workforce Center clients, and I have seen how powerful it can be when someone finally recognizes the possible story beneath their behavior. The room often becomes quieter. People stop judging themselves so harshly. They begin to replace “What is wrong with me?” with “What happened to me, and what do I need now?”

That shift can take your breath away.

What Behavior May Be Communicating

Children and adults do not always have the words to explain what they feel. Sometimes behavior communicates what words cannot.

A child who refuses to participate may be overwhelmed. A teenager who avoids eye contact may feel anxious, distracted, guarded, or simply uncomfortable, not necessarily disrespectful.

An employee who misses deadlines may need clearer structure, better training, or support managing stress. A person who appears rebellious may have learned that they cannot trust authority. Someone who turns to substances may be trying to find temporary relief from emotional pain.

This does not mean we should excuse every behavior. Understanding is not the same as removing accountability.

It means we can respond more wisely.

Instead of asking only, “How do I stop this behavior?”, we can also ask:

• What behavior am I observing?

• What might be underneath it?

• Is this person feeling safe enough to learn?

• What support, structure, or conversation could help?

• How can I hold compassion and accountability at the same time?

Young people entering the workforce may need additional support with attention, routine, communication, confidence, or handling feedback. That is not a reason to give up on them. It is an invitation to set clear expectations, offer patient guidance, build skills, and create opportunities to succeed.

Everyone has had to learn something for the first time. Even adults who look confident on the outside.

Social Media, Escape, and Healthy Boundaries

Social media deserves thoughtful attention in conversations about young people and emotional health.

For some teens, heavy or compulsive social-media use may become an escape from difficult feelings. It may offer distraction, connection, comparison, validation, or a way to regulate emotions when life feels too big.

That does not mean social media is the sole cause of poor attention, limited eye contact, low self-esteem, or communication challenges. Research is complex, and observation is not proof.

Still, adults can remain alert.

Have you noticed a sudden change in sleep, mood, school performance, friendships, confidence, or interest in everyday activities? Is a young person increasingly isolated, distressed by comparison, or unable to step away from a device without becoming upset?

Listen without immediately shaming or taking away the phone. Create healthy boundaries around sleep, meals, school, work, and family connection. Talk about what the young person is experiencing online and offline.

When changes are persistent, severe, or interfering with daily life, connect them with a qualified mental health professional.

“Sometimes healing begins when someone feels safe enough to talk.”

10 Ways to Begin Getting Unstuck After Trauma

Healing is not a straight line. Some days you will feel strong. Other days, an old memory, relationship, or stressful situation may pull you backward.

That does not mean you have failed.

Here are ten gentle, practical ways to begin.

1. Name the pattern without shame

Notice what keeps happening. Do you withdraw, lash out, overwork, people-please, or numb your feelings?

Try saying, “I learned to protect myself this way.”

Awareness creates choice.

2. Identify your triggers and body signals

Notice what happens before you react. Do your shoulders tighten? Does your heart race? Do you feel hot, frozen, restless, or disconnected?

Your body may recognize danger before your conscious mind does.

3. Create safety and predictable routines

Regular sleep, nourishing meals, movement, calendars, and simple routines can help your nervous system settle.

Stability is not boring. Sometimes it is healing.

4. Pause and ground before reacting

Before sending the text, quitting the job, or saying something you may regret, pause.

Try slow breathing. Name five things you see. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a short walk.

A pause gives your wiser self room to speak.

5. Replace self-blame with curiosity

Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” ask, “What am I feeling? What do I need? What belief did I learn?”

Curiosity softens shame and opens the door to personal growth strategies that actually fit your life.

6. Build one trustworthy connection

You do not need to tell everyone your story. Begin with one safe, consistent person, a therapist, doctor, trusted friend, mentor, family member, or support group.

Healing grows in relationship.

7. Practice healthy boundaries

A boundary may sound like:

• “I need time to think before I answer.”

• “I am not available for that conversation while we are yelling.”

• “That does not work for me.”

• “I can care about you without taking responsibility for everything.”

Boundaries help you honor your feelings before choosing your next step.

8. Seek therapy or medical or substance-use support when appropriate

A qualified therapist or medical professional can help you address trauma symptoms, depression, anxiety, addiction, sleep concerns, or other health needs.

If substances have become your primary source of relief, support is available. You do not have to wait until everything falls apart.

9. Use coaching for goals, choices, confidence, and personal effectiveness when clinically suitable

Coaching can help you clarify what you want, improve personal effectiveness, strengthen confidence, make values-aligned choices, and create a strategy for your next chapter.

Coaching is not a substitute for therapy, crisis care, or medical treatment. A life strategy coach can support forward movement when you are clinically stable and receiving the care you need.

10. Take one small, values-aligned step and celebrate progress

What matters to you now? Peace? Health? Meaningful work? A stronger relationship? Freedom from old patterns?

Choose one small action that reflects that value. Make the appointment. Take the walk. Update your résumé. Tell the truth kindly. Ask for help.

Small steps become transformation.

“Small, values-aligned steps can lead to meaningful change.”

For Adults, Parents, and Caregivers

You are not expected to solve trauma alone.

Watch for warning signs such as major changes in mood, sleep, behavior, school or work performance, relationships, substance use, or daily functioning. Listen without judgment. Avoid forcing someone to disclose more than they are ready to share.

You might ask:

• “What has felt hardest lately?”

• “What helps you feel safe?”

• “How can I support you?”

• “Would you be willing to talk with someone trained to help?”

• “What would make this next step feel manageable?”

Children and teens need adults who notice, listen, and connect them with qualified support. They need structure and compassion. They need to know that asking for help is not weakness.

The same is true for you.

Which pattern may have once protected you but no longer serves you? Who can you ask for help? What would change if you stopped treating your pain as a personal failure?

Your Past Is Part of Your Story, not the Final Chapter

Overcoming past trauma does not mean pretending it did not happen. It means honoring the feelings, making space to think before choosing, and committing to choices that come from within rather than from fear, pressure, or the need to please others.

This is one path toward a life without regrets.

Regret often grows when we abandon ourselves to satisfy someone else or avoid what we fear. When you choose from your values, you can own the experience, even when the outcome is difficult, and search for the lesson, blessing, or gift within it.

If you are struggling with depression, addiction, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or trauma symptoms that interfere with daily life, please contact a qualified professional. In the United States, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.

Joy & Associates helps people who feel stuck find clarity, purpose, strategy, and supportive accountability. With more than 25 years of experience coaching thousands of individuals and businesses, Joy offers a heart-centered space to discover your best answers and take your next step.

You do not have to carry the whole mountain today.

Schedule a complimentary session with Joy & Associates. It starts with a conversation.

And when you are ready to reflect on the wisdom your life has already given you, explore My Life Lessons and its Legacy Lessons. Your experiences matter. Capturing what you have learned can help you: and the people who come after you: see the strength, meaning, and possibility within your story.

You’ll be glad you did.

Joy Huntsman, Master Coach & Founder, Joy & Associates

Source

APA Foundation:
What Are ACEs?

The article references the APA Foundation statistic that approximately 2 out of 3 children experience one or more traumatic events before age 16.