Sister, I See You: The Healing Power of the Chosen Sisterhood
“A tradition is a heartbeat that connects our past to the person we are becoming.”
There was a time, long before the sleek glass buildings of modern childcare centers and the structured playdates of today, when community was simply a necessity of the heart. I remember it vividly. I was an only child, but my world was far from lonely. My early childhood was spent wrapped in the warmth of my grandmother’s home. She didn't run a business in the formal sense; she ran a sanctuary.
In those days, there were few places for the children of single mothers. My grandmother stepped into that gap, opening her doors and her heart to the neighborhood. Every morning, a small army of children would arrive. It was a rag-tag group of girls—including Linda and Mimi—bound together by the sticky heat of summer and the shared rhythms of a woman who knew how to turn a house into a sanctuary. We were sisters by circumstance, long before we knew what that word meant. (Incredibly, Mimi just reached out to me after 40 years—proof that the threads of sisterhood never truly break.)
For me, that experience was foundational. I learned early on that "sisterhood" wasn't just a matter of blood or DNA. It was the girl who helped me tie my shoes when my fingers were too small. It was the secret whispered behind a hand in the tall grass. It was the feeling of safety that comes when you realize you aren't walking through this life alone.
But then, something shifted.
The Great Divide: The 5th Grade Shift
If you’ve raised a daughter, or if you can reach back into your own memories, you know exactly when the atmosphere changed. For many of us, it happened around the 5th grade.
One day, we were all sisters in the sandbox, chasing dreams and skinned knees. The next, the air felt different. Suddenly, there were whispers. There were cliques. There was the sudden, jarring discovery of "boys," and with it, the poisonous arrival of rivalry. We stopped looking at each other as allies and started seeing each other as obstacles or benchmarks.
Have you ever felt that "in or out" sensation? That feeling like you’re standing on the edge of a circle, wondering if there’s a place for you?
Psychologists often note that this is the age where "relational aggression" takes root. Instead of outward conflict, it’s the subtle art of the cold shoulder, the exclusionary birthday party, or the rumor that takes the wind out of your sails. It’s the moment we learn that our value might be tied to being "better than" or "prettier than" or "more popular than" the girl standing next to us.
“In the sandbox, we were all sisters. We knew how to share the light before we were taught to compete for it.”
The Quicksand of Comparison
For many women, that 5th-grade mentality doesn’t stay in the elementary school hallway. It follows us into the boardroom, the PTA meeting, and even our social media feeds. It’s like a quiet quicksand pulling you under, whispering that another woman’s success must mean your failure.
We see a "sister" thriving, and instead of feeling inspired, we feel a pang of jealousy. We see someone struggling, and instead of reaching out, we might feel a secret sense of relief that we aren't the only ones drowning.
This is the wound we carry. It’s the pain of being "unseen" or "judged" by the very people who should be our greatest supporters. But I want to tell you something today: It doesn’t have to stay this way. You can reclaim that early childhood sisterhood. You can find your "Chosen Sisters."
Reclaiming the Chosen Sisterhood
In my coaching work at Joy & Associates, I often talk about the power of "The Chosen Sisterhood." This is a bond that goes deeper than being "just friends." A friend is someone you have coffee with; a sister is someone you have soul-stirring conversations with.
A Chosen Sister is:
A Confidant: Someone who holds your secrets as if they were her own.
A Mentor: Someone who has walked the fire before you and is now reaching back to pull you through.
A Mirror: Someone who sees your light even when you are standing in the shadows.
Becoming a sister to another woman requires a radical shift in perspective. It requires us to lay down the armor of comparison and pick up the mantle of compassion. It’s about moving past the superficial "How are you?" and into the heart-centered "I see you."
Sawubona: The Art of Truly Seeing
In my previous Life Lessons, I’ve shared the Zulu greeting Sawubona. It means "I see you." Not just your face, but your essence, your struggles, and your potential.
When we apply Sawubona to sisterhood, we are making a promise: "I see you, and you are enough."
We see her pain without feeling the need to fix it immediately.
We see her success and celebrate it as if it were our own.
We see her mistakes and offer grace instead of gossip.
According to research from Brigham Young University, having strong female bonds: whether biological or "chosen": is linked to better emotional expression and increased resilience. Women who have a "sisterhood" are more likely to navigate the stressors of life with their mental health intact. They have a "buffer" against the harshness of the world.
“When women gather with intention, the atmosphere shifts from competition to connection.”
The Army of Women Before Us
As we celebrate National Sisters Day this week, we must also look backward. We stand on the shoulders of an army of women who came before us. My grandmother, in that small house filled with neighborhood children, was part of that army. She didn't have much, but she gave those single mothers the one thing they needed most: a sense of security and a community that cared.
These women fought for our right to choose our paths, to lead businesses, and to live lives without regrets. They showed us that when one woman rises, she creates a draft that pulls others up with her.
Our young women: the girls currently navigating that treacherous 5th-grade shift: need us to be their role models. They need to see us being sisters to one another. They need to see us rejecting the "in or out" mentality and instead building tables where there is always an extra chair.
An Invitation to Your New Chapter
If you are feeling "stuck" in a cycle of comparison, or if you feel like you’ve lost that sense of sisterly connection, I want to invite you to a different way of living.
At Joy & Associates, we’ve created the Sawubona Community and the Gift of Others program specifically for this reason. We provide the strategy and the heart-centered support to help you find your "something more."
Are you ready to let go of the wounds of the past? Are you ready to find mentors and confidants who will walk beside you?
Join our Sawubona Community to connect with women who are committed to deep, authentic connection.
Enroll in the Gift of Others program to learn the art of mentorship and being "truly seen."
Book a Discovery Session to start your own transformation.
You don't have to navigate the quicksand alone. There is an army of sisters waiting to welcome you home.
“Legacy isn't just what you leave behind; it’s the hand you reach out to the woman coming up behind you.”
It starts with a conversation. It starts with a choice to see and be seen. You’ll be glad you did.
Joy Huntsman, Master Coach & Founder, Joy & Associates.